Looking for Happiness…in all the Wrong Places

Our Declaration of Independence claims our right to pursue happiness. Every Tibetan lama I have ever heard states that what every living being holds in common is our desire to have happiness and avoid suffering. Even insects display this. They will move towards food and away from danger. Realizing that all beings desire happiness may change our outlook on others. Others are like me and I am like them in a very fundamental way. Where we differ is primarily how we pursue happiness and try to avoid suffering. Shantideva, an eight century Indian Buddhist master, whose writings are revered by Mahayana Buddhists worldwide, gave some stunning insight into this search. He wrote that “although living beings wish to be free from suffering, they run straight towards the causes of suffering; and although they wish for happiness, out of ignorance they destroy it like a foe.” That is quite a dilemma. We not only mistake, but often, reverse the causes of suffering and happiness. This is not just sometimes…it is a mental habit. So, what exactly is this confused mental habit? In a word, selfishness. We are the center of the (our own) universe. Others are players on our stage. One lama described it as “looking at ourselves.” This is not just looking at ourselves in a mirror or taking unending selfies, (although our seeming addiction to selfies might just stem from this habit.) It means to mentally be looking at ourselves. ’What’s in it for me? I need to get all the goodies. Get out of my way, you ignorant, slow person.’ This is caused by ignorance and confusion.. and might I suggest fear. We are afraid someone is going to take advantage of us or harm us and that we may be powerless to stop them. We fear that they are going to take away our goodies. May I share an example. Some years ago I was teaching a group of undergraduate nursing students. Nursing can be a stressful profession and life as a student nurse is filled with pressure. For many, however, the chance to help others and create real benefit in others’ lives more than makes up for this pressure. At the time, we were dealing with a new generation of students who were pretty strong complainers. They complained about everything in life that was inconvenient…and pretty much everything in life iwas inconvenient – from finding parking to the need to study for exams. The universe of others really does not revolve around us. We’d be much better off not playing this “center of the universe” game with ourselves. They were complainers and they were unhappy and they thought that everyone else was responsible for their unhappiness. I wanted to teach them the secret to happiness – not only for their own sakes – but because someday they would be out there taking care of you. When you are sick or injured, the attitude of the people caring for you hits you harder than when you are well. People need nurses who are competent AND compassionate. One day I had them in the learning lab and I decided to try and illustrate this point. It is not uncommon for student nurses to get part time jobs in hospitals and nurse techs. Hospitals can hire partially trained nurses at a fraction of the salary, and the students get to practice their skills under the supervision of licensed professionals. It’s a Win-Win situation. One of my students worked as a nurse tech in an obstetrical unit, so with her permission I used her as an example and set up the scene. “You are pushing the wheelchair discharging a new mom and her baby. Dad has gone to get the car and meet you in front of the hospital entrance. Mom is holding the baby in her arms and looking at it with love, She is so happy. Dad drives up and gets out to help put the baby in the car seat. He is looking at the mom and baby, and is so happy. They smile at each other and look back at the baby. They are both soooo happy.” At this point my student was smiling just thinking about it. She had seen this before and it was not a stretch to imagine the scene I was painting. All the other students in the circle were smiling like crazy, too. I bet at this moment, so are you. I continued, “Then they get into the car and drive away without even saying, “Thank you.” Immediately my students smile turned into a scowl. “Wait a minute. What happened!? Just a few second ago you were smiling like crazy. What changed?” What changed is that, in her mind, the student turned her gaze from looking at the happy family to looking at herself. In a split second it became all about her rather than all about them…and that is the point. Talk about illusory…I was making the whole thing up. It didn’t even take a real situation to create this happiness or unhappiness. It can all be done in the mind with the stories we tell ourselves (or see on TV or social media.) The secret of happiness is to serve others (and stop looking at ourselves.) It is simple as that – and as complicated. So why are we afraid? Do we fear we cannot stop looking at ourselves without becoming a doormat? Maybe we need to practice healthier ways of interacting. Try just observing others for a day. Be curious about them. What do they really need? What brings them comfort? Spend time people gazing and then softly (without shifting your inner gaze back at yourself) notice how you feel. Content? At peace? Maybe you’ve learned the real secret. It takes practice to be able to do this under pressure. But as they say, practice makes perfect. May you find happiness and its causes. May you be free from suffering and its causes. Ngawang Thekchen holds a PhD with a major in nursing and a minor in psychology. She taught nursing for many years and done some research, as well. She was raised Christian and became Buddhist, primarily because she found the methods “work.” She says Buddhism is primarily about taming the mind and there is an aspect of that in most religions. You might even see Buddhism as the psychology of spiritual development - in which case its methods can be applied by anyone – religious or not. She studies and pract ices Buddhism in the Tibetan tradition and claim no right to speak to any other tradition of Buddhism. She is an ordained monastic, but lives as a western monastic rather than an eastern one. She lives in Mount Horeb.